A message to my future husband....(Part III)

I've been hurt. 

But I promise not to place blame for past pains on you. 

I promise to tell you. 

I promise to open my heart up to you and let you in to the deepest, most intimate, and sacred parts of me. 

You see, before there was ever a You and Me, my life was full of counterfeit reproductions of the man my dad always wanted for me. 

And I let them in. 

Without a second guess, I let them in. 

I didn't question their place. 

I never questioned their presence and placement. . 

And they hurt. 

Without a care. They hurt. 

They struck deep. 

Took a knife to my heart and cut deep. 

And with time I promise to release and reveal the many ways I've been hurt.

Because I just need you to understand where I've been emotionally, physically, and spiritually. 

Because I've accepted their purpose in the makings of me. 

It took years, but I reignited the flame of power that had gone idle within my soul. 

I had let the selfish nature of a boy blow out the flame and rip my innocence from me. 

I innocently laid next to a boy one night without knowing that my life would forever change. 

In a matter of minutes, I crossed the threshold to womanhood before I was ready. 

In that moment, somehow "No" meant "yes". 

He pushed. 

He pressed. 

I cried. 

I changed. 

I fell deep in to a place with no clear sign of returning. 

This dark place had kept me from fully loving and giving myself to a man. 

So I prayed. 

I searched. 

I just hoped to regain the power that had been stripped from me without warning. 

I searched to find the power that had been stripped from me, without my consent. 

And after many years of searching on the outside,I found my power which I had never lost from within.   

After years of lacking trust, misplacing trust, I found my healing. 

I found ME. 

Now I'm ready to love and give my all to you, exclusively. 

 

So I just ask that you be patient with me. 

For I know the things that come along with loving me. 

And I ask you to hold me. 

Because nights when sleep is full of flashbacks and sweats, tears and fears, I'll need you to hold me. 

Tightly. 

Securely. 

And I know this journey won't be easy, but I know that God made you just for me. 

And I promise to work and give you all that you need of me. 

My past made me, but I promise not to let it restrain me from loving and being the wife you need me to be.